Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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