I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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