I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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