We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
this will be a night to untag.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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