My first STD was from a foam party
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We're too hungover to prance.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
