I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
