you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
