I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
