I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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