Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
