and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
