When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
