You made me cry and you don't even care
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
