$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
