My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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