Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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