We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
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You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
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I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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