guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
