this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I enjoy the company of your penis
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
