Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
