I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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