watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
