be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
A bitchslap is in order.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
