Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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