i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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