i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
