I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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