Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Duck Duck Cougar?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
