what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
