who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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