Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
