Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
