you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
