I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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