I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
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I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
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Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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