The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
