Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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