and next time when you feel me up, do it right
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
