since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
