I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
