the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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