walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There's always time for handjobs
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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