me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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