I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
