i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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