Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
