Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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