You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
