just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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