Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
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There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
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I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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