y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
