haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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