can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
