I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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